Support You Shouldn't Have To Ask For

“The more we give away, the more is given to us." – Dr. Wayne Dyer

We want to believe that in a world that seems as big and scary as ours does, we can lean on those closest to us for support. Our friends and family. Our ride or die. Those whose presence in our lives we, without a single doubt in our minds, assume is unconditional.

Until it isn’t.

With every birthday of mine, I take stock of the year. My New Year isn’t on the eve of December 31st, but rather, the few weeks leading up to my birthday. It’s when I become ruthless about what — or who — stays and what — or who — goes. From my thoughts and behaviours, to habits and mindsets, to people and circumstances. No more second, third, nth chances. ‘What you allow, you condone’ and after a certain point, if I continue accepting certain behaviours — or lack thereof — from not only others but myself as well, then I have no one but good old me to hold accountable for the way my experience is unfolding.

As I was showering this morning, I was overcome with the urge to recount all the people who have disappointed me in my life. Not maliciously or begrudgingly, but rather with a sense of release. Not as a weight I wish to continue carrying, but rather as one I’d much rather lifted, and with its absence, finding reprieve.

Initially, I wanted to write them a letter — collectively. Not with the intent of sending it out, but rather of finally releasing what I’d been holding onto for so long.

To recount each of them individually. The highs when all was love and camaraderie. The lows when it felt as though my entire world had shattered beyond recognition.

All the ways the cracks in the foundation had begun to appear and all the ways I’d pretended they hadn’t. All the ways I could’ve done more and all the ways there wasn’t anymore I could possibly give. All the ways I set myself up for disappointment because I continued to allow certain behaviours. Because I didn’t speak up and express my needs and wants. Instead, I assumed people would read my mind because if they truly cared, “they should just know”. Expecting people to know better rather than speaking up for myself because I was worried that if I did speak up for myself, they might not like what I had to say and then I’d lose them. Then, the illusion would shatter. But the illusion was always doomed to shatter. It was inevitable. It was only a matter of time.

And that’s what got me here. To where I am. To who I am. To how I am.

Earlier this week, a fortune cookie told me “you will soon be given good advice” and it wasn’t until I started writing that the dots connected in my mind and I realized the ‘good advice’ was given to me years before I thought I’d need it. A few years ago, a friend opened a business and one piece of advice she gave me was “don’t count on your friends when you start a business”. This stuck with me over the years. It stuck with me when I first started teaching. It stuck with me when I would promote my classes. It stuck with me when I’d decided to expand my business and services.

It stuck with me when I expected people to show up for me in any way they could — and they didn’t. It stuck with me when I assumed people would support me in any way they could — and they didn’t. It stuck with me when I expected the absolute bare minimum, and even that, they didn’t have in them.

But I chalked it up to “they’re busy”.

I chalked it up to “it’s not their thing”.

I made excuses for them when they had none because I was afraid of confronting them. I didn’t know how to confront them. I didn’t know how to express to them that I had certain expectations and they epically failed to meet them. I didn’t know how I would react when they inevitably became defensive and victimized themselves in the process. And so instead, I overcompensated by being understanding.

Until I saw them showing up for others the way they should’ve for me.

Until I saw them supporting others the way I needed them to support me.

That’s when the illusion shattered. That’s when I got angry. Because beneath my anger was a whole lot of hurt.

And since then, it’s been a process of not taking things personally, understanding people’s behaviours while learning how not to take too much of their shit, and when, where, and how to advocate for myself because no one else will.

Since then, I’ve grouped people (not including strangers or clients who then become friends) into one of the three categories:

• Those who take their own support for granted. The “you know I support you, I just don’t have to say or do anything to show you, but you know I support you”.

• Those who are envious. Not about what you’re doing but that you are doing something. It’s usually less about the object and more about the courage to pursue a goal or dream outside your comfort zone. They’re content in their comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean they’re happy about you pushing past yours because it reminds them of all the ways they’re not living up to their potential.

• Those who withhold their support because they don’t know think about what their support can do for you. They’re slightly self-centred and their world begins and ends with them. If it doesn’t directly impact them, then it’s not worth their time and energy. They don’t see the value in them following, sharing, showing up, etc. because they see you as they’ve always seen you rather than as the new role you’re showing up as.

Is it wrong? Yes. No. Maybe.

Is there a right way to show support? Yes. No. Maybe.

What does support look like to me? What actions make me feel supported? What’s right for me and my vision, needs, and sense of fulfillment?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for so long, I’ve felt ‘wrong’ asking for support.

I’ve felt timid when asking people to read what I write, subscribe to my Substack and YouTube, follow my podcast, join my classes, reshare to their stories for more exposure to my offerings/services, etc.

Until I sat with myself for a moment, with the disappointment I was feeling from people not being able to “read my mind” or just have the common sense (in my opinion) to offer support, and I decided to get over myself.

I can continue getting upset or I can ask for that support.

By identifying what support looks like to me, I’ll then know just what to ask for.

I found myself instantly preparing a list of reasons to convince people to support me just in case (LOL), but there was no need for it. Just by my asking showed them how important this is to me, and that was reason enough for them.

I’ve met strangers who have cheered for me louder than some friends.

I’ve had friends support me in the best way they can and those who do their best to support me in the way I need them to.

I’ve had friends and strangers alike try to sabotage. I’ve had friends and strangers alike move mountains to offer their support.

Just like anything in life, it’s a spectrum.

There are different flavours.

It’s never black and white.

It’s never set in stone.

But just like anything in the human experience, “you get in life what you have the courage to ask for” (as Oprah Winfrey has famously declared).

Is it fair that sometimes you have to ask for something that should be given? No. But in hindsight, it makes you appreciate it that much more when it finally is yours.

In hindsight, does it really matter how you got there?