I Don’t Want to Help People

For the longest time, “I want to help people” was my North Star. It guided me whenever I felt lost and in need of a sense of direction — a sense of purpose (outside of myself). But before “I want to help people”, it started as “I show my scars so that others know they too can heal” (a screenshot that’s been in my phone for over a decade, if I’m not mistaken).

That quote resonated so deeply within me, it felt as though whoever wrote those words had been peeking into the deepest corners of my mind and knew how to put into words what I couldn’t express — even to myself. The primal need to feel like it’s not just me feeling this way — lonely, afraid, insecure, doubtful, anxious, disappointed, restless. It’s not just me who experiences these lows (because no one ever talks about anything other than the highs). It’s not me against the world. The world is not conspiring against me, as difficult as that was to believe.

And if others have navigated their way through, then there’s hope for me too.

That hope felt like a rebirth. And I wanted the entire world to be reborn just as I had.

But I learned the hard way, time and time again, that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

“You have back pain? Yoga can really help with that! Trust me! You know what, I’ll give you a free 1:1 session so you can see for yourself!”

“You have anxious thoughts and can’t seem to sit still? Meditation can really help with that! Here’s a guided meditation I’ve recorded for you to try out! It’s free and short so it won’t take too much of your time!”

“You keep repeating the same patterns and expecting different results? You say you want things to change? Well, Coaching can equip you with the right tools to take those steps forward. Trust me! You know what, let’s do a 1:1 consult so you can get an idea. Trust me, it’s exactly what you need!”

Years and years of these conversations on a professional level.

Years and years of these conversations on a personal level as well — between friends and family alike.

But you know what needs to be done, so why aren’t you doing it? You know what needs to change, so why aren’t you changing it? Why is complaining the only thing you’re doing?

Until I realized that I can’t force someone to change. I can’t force someone to want better for themselves. I can’t force someone to do better for themselves. More than they do.

And this is a lesson I’m still learning because it’s heavily layered. It shows up differently depending on the situation and season; on the mood and person. But it’s one of the most important lessons I’ve learned thus far.

And so, a few years ago, I made the bold exclamation: I don’t want to help people.

I don’t want to force people to do what I think is right for them, even if I am right.

They have get to live with the consequences of their decisions, for better or worse.

Forcing them would be depriving them of their sense of agency. And as someone who values freedom above all else, I refuse to watch myself become a hypocrite with someone else’s freedom simply because I (thought I) knew better.

I don’t want to help people.

That realization shifted how I was showing up in my life — personally and professionally.

For starters, immediately no to updating my IG bio to “I help people” anytime a social media manager/strategist/consultant made that recommendation. It feels inauthentic. It feels fake. It goes against my beliefs.

We all need space to vent and decompress, but replaying the exact same story in the exact same way even after the moment has passed just for the sake of complaining and perpetuating yourself as the “victim” of a situation…immediately no. “What are you going to do about it?” is how I started showing up for those in my circle. I have this “rule” (for lack of a better word) in my mind for complaining for the sake of complaining: it’s allowed only three moments in time. No more, no less. I apply this to myself first and foremost and yes some days I need more than three because I want to complain for the sake of complaining. I don’t paint myself as the victim. I vent because I want to vent. But I know that what comes next is my responsibility and I vent knowing that. I vent in preparation.

Anytime I work with a new client (coaching or yoga), I disclose right off the bat that I’m not there to help them. I’m not a crutch for them to lean on. They’re doing the heavy lifting, not outsourcing it to me. They’re doing the labor of love in showing up for themselves, I’m just along for the ride. Help yourself first and I help you help you. That feels scary because it’s easy for us to outsource and project and lean on others. But the real power is your personal power. And if you only knew the strength that lies dormant with you…you’re capable of moving mountains with that strength. If you only knew.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves because people need a ‘why’. They need their own ‘why’. It needs to be personal to them. There needs to be an emotional charge and drive behind it. It doesn’t have to make sense to a single soul other than the person in question.

That ‘why’ will serve as their North Star. To guide them as they do what needs to be done, whether or not they feel like doing it. Because some days that ‘why’ will burn hot and bright within them while on other days there’ll barely be embers present.

People need to believe in something bigger than them. People need a purpose. And that ‘why’ has demands of you.

And you need to be willing to meet its demands. You need to be willing to put in, give up, reshape, redefine, recalibrate — time and time again — until you become the version of yourself that’s aligned with that vision.

Until you embody the qualities of the person who has that thing; who is living that life that you want for yourself. Who has and continues to take the aligned action to maintain and sustain that reality for themselves.

You only fail when you stop trying, otherwise, everything is survivable as long as you keep your head on your shoulders and one foot in front of the other. Even if what that looks like changes from one season to the next, because it will. Who you were yesterday is no longer who you are right now. Nothing is set in stone and the only constant is change so the more flexible and adaptable you are, the more durable you will be. Riding the waves rather than swimming against the currents.

So no, I don’t want to help people.

Because if a person won’t do that for themselves, then why the hell would I?