People Are Full of Shit (And That’s Okay)

One of the most difficult, illusion shattering truths I’ve learned has been to not take love personally. I hate saying “healing journey” because nowadays, it feels like that term is being thrown around left right and centre, but alas, my healing journey has taught me much while simultaneously unraveling an entire lifetime’s worth of truths in the process.

We’ve all been loved differently and as such, we all expect and express love differently. Whether or not we’re actually adept at it is a whole other ball game.

Yet somehow, we’re uncompromising when it comes to applying this love with others. Lovers, friends, colleagues, family members alike. Because we’ve convinced ourselves that if they really loved us, or if they truly cared enough, then they would be the one to compromise first. They would be the one to break their patterns, step out of their comfort zones, put themselves in a vulnerable position, take a risk; all to prove to us that we’re worth it. We don’t stop to think that that’s what they might also be thinking — what they might be needing from us.

We forget that it’s their first time experiencing life too.

But if we remind ourselves of that, we humanize them.

And if we humanize them, we can no longer villainize them. We can no longer efficiently perpetuate our role as the victim. As the one who was hurt. Who has earned the right to feel sad, angry, disappointed, hurt because of their behaviour — or lack of.

And so, instead, we see the world of relationships as ‘us vs. them’ and this only serves to further deepen the chasm that’s grown between us.

So how do we love differently?

In this day and age, (I’m sure) we’ve all heard of the five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gift giving, and physical touch.

I used to think mine was words of affirmation. I didn’t get much verbal praise growing up cause I was always stirring up trouble so whenever I did get verbal acknowledgment, I just ate it up. Until I realized that, with all due respect, people are full of shit.

I make this claim objectively. Factually. Based on observations, evidence, and experience — both personally and professionally.

People are full of shit. It’s not bad. It’s not good. It just is what it is.

I have seen words of affirmation sheathed at people’s waists like a sword, waiting for the right moment to swing and maim.

I have seen words of affirmation used as a tool to manipulate others; to hold an emotional debt over them. To come out on top of a power struggle and assassinate the other’s character in the process. Telling people what they want to hear to get them to do what you want. Telling people what you think they need to hear so they soften and continue letting you get away with behaviour you know is not right.

Empty words that offer those hearing them a temporary sense of relief, only to set them up for an even bigger hurt down the line.

Sometimes, people say things and they really mean it — in the moment.

Sometimes, people say things and they really want to mean it — in the moment.

But any moment that comes next brings with it the inevitable which is, that they will change their minds. Maybe they did mean it. Maybe they wanted to mean it. Maybe they meant something else entirely, but didn’t know how to relay their message. A lot is lost in translation because we do, effectively, all speak different languages in love.

Because so much is lost in translation, and so many of us are uncompromising in bridging that gap, I don’t trust what comes out of people’s mouths because I don’t trust people.

I don’t trust that they know their own minds, because let’s be honest, none of us do, at least not entirely. I don’t trust that they’re conscious of the impact their words have on those around them. I don’t trust that they are capable of holding themselves accountable for any of it.

It’s not bad. It’s not good. It is what it is.

I do, however, trust their behaviour. I do trust that their actions speak for them.

Friends could say they care about you, reminding you of all you’ve been through together, only to continue crossing your boundaries because they feel entitled to do so. And if you set a boundary, you’re met with “you’ve changed, are you okay”. Or with distance or silent treatment as a way for them to regain control over you, by triggering your people pleasing so that the focus is no longer on how they’ve crossed a boundary, but rather how you’ve upset them by expressing your boundary. (Props to the friends who not only respect your boundaries, but remind you of them when they catch you yourself crossing them!)

Colleagues or mentors will say they encourage you to tap into your potential, as long as you continue playing small next to them. Otherwise, you’re met with a cocktail of emotional debt; guilting and shaming you for daring to do anything that affects them — mostly that they can no longer continue treating you like a doormat. (Props to the professionals who truly want to see you grow rather than benefiting from keeping you down.)

Lovers will say they support you and want you to feel safe with them except when it means they don’t get their way. Otherwise, you’re met with “I thought you cared about me…if you did you wouldn’t be okay with hurting me like this…you’re the last person I expected to treat me this way” all because you believed them when they said it’s a safe space to express yourself without being punished for it. And then all of a sudden it turns into a ‘you vs. me’ when all you did was take them for their word. (Props to the partners who adopt a ‘you and me vs. the problem’ approach with gentle, tender care.)

This is why when people — friends, strangers, clients — tell me their love language is ‘words of affirmation’, I challenge them to look at patterns of behaviour first.

Are what they are saying to you matching how they are behaving with you?

How they are treating you? The effort they are making to show you that you do, in fact, mean something to them?

Actions speak louder than words. And so, when people show you who they are, believe them. Not just for your sake, but for theirs as well. You putting yourself first could be the rude awakening they need and so in reality, your people pleasing is actually doing them a disservice. How about that!

I thought ‘words of affirmation’ was my love language because I wanted it to be. Because I needed it to be, for so long. Until I realized that words are a mere whisper next to acts of service and quality time. Because as far as I’m concerned, time is the ONE resource you can NEVER get back. And so, when someone gives me their time, that right there is love.

I do believe in words of affirmation. I don’t trust that people mean what they say, and because I’ve been on the receiving end of that manipulative, fleeting string of words, I’m cautious with the words I use with others. I’m intentional with them not because I say what I think they want to hear, but what I genuinely believe, feel, and need to express.

We all love differently and so much of that love is lost in translation.

But it doesn’t have to be. It’s never too late to course correct.

To initiate the love you want to exist.

To be the love you need to receive.

It’s not personal, but it can be.