Life Happens — Then What?
“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
And neither does it want to — at least in my case.
When I was a kid, my dad used to call me a free spirit. He used to call me a rebel. I used to hate that because ever since I was a kid, all I ever wanted was to fit in. All I ever wanted was to belong — to avoid sticking out like a sore thumb.
Because sticking out meant I was different.
Different meant foreign.
Foreign meant far from one’s comfort zone.
And that meant rejection.
And what we human beings desire more than anything is connection.
And so, anytime my dad would call me a free spirit and a rebel (because according to him, they go hand in hand when it comes to me), I would roll my eyes at him and carry on doing my best to distort, shrink, and remold myself — all for the sake of fitting in.
Except with time, I grew restless. Any place where I was “fitting in”, I felt confined. I felt suffocated. I felt the life draining from my soul. And when I’d confide in good old Dad, he’d simply say: it’s because you’re a free spirit.
With time, I started to crave some of that freedom.
Freedom to move. Freedom to create. Freedom to be. Freedom to grow.
Freedom to shed and be again. Freedom to be anew.
When life happens to you, you have two choices.
You can either sit there and take it — over and over again. A victim of circumstance.
Or you can make life happen for you. You can alchemize your proverbial lead to gold. You look for the silver lining, internalize the lesson, and carry it with you forward. Braver. Stronger. More determined. With an expanded mind and an expanded being.
I initially chose the first, because that’s what everyone does, right? They complain about how life is unfair, unpredictable, and redundant. This is the way it’s always been so why should anyone else have it better than them? If you dare to aim for better, you’re met with “be realistic” and a slew of other discouraging statements and destructive sentiments.
I can’t pinpoint a moment in time when the switch happened. I think it was one seemingly insignificant moment followed by another and slowly, over time, they added up. One brick at a time, they built a wall — THE wall — that I slammed into, causing me to course correct towards choice number two.
So how does one make life happen for them?
The answer is simple, but it’s not easy.
And it’s this: you keep getting back up.
Everything is survivable. And if it isn’t, then you’re dead and none of it matters anymore. So until then, you keep getting back up.
One experience at a time.
Because each experience will be different — ever so slightly so. No matter how similar they might be, they’re never identical because the variable are never identical. You’re never identical.
You’re not the same person you were the last time you were in a similar experience. And so, some part of you is showing up differently. You just might not have caught on to that part — yet.
Because, as I started this letter, “a mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions”. It just takes you a minute to realize that the dimensions have changed. That the dimensions have expanded, even if ever so slightly.
For me, as part of my getting back up, comes the incredibly challenging task of being honest with myself.
About why I think the way I do. Why does my mind favor playing out certain narratives over others? Why does my mind create stories and meaning out of the most arbitrary situations and interactions; subtle shifts in tone, body language, micro expressions, even the use (or lack) of certain emojis or punctuation marks?
About why I act the way I do. Why do I change my behaviors based on the situation or person I’m interacting with? Why did I do things differently that one time? Is it because I wanted to or because I felt like I should? Is it because I wanted to or because I felt like if I didn’t then I’d be punished and something (a person, an opportunity, an experience) will then be withheld from me?
About why I feel the way I do. Why do some things upset me and others don’t? Why do some things excite me more than they should? Why do I hold onto hope in some places and drown in complete and utter despair in others? Why do I reject myself when my humanity is showing?
Being honest with myself without judgment. Without guilt. Without shame.
Because if I’m incapable of being honest with myself, then how could I possible be honest with others? With my family? With my colleagues? With my friends? With lovers? They deserve better from me. I deserve better from me — towards me.
Because with every experience of self-honesty, my mind stretches to new dimensions.
I see the world differently.
I experience the world differently.
I feel the world differently.
Both my inner and outer worlds.
Sometimes — most of the times actually — I need to experience the same thoughts, behaviors, and feelings many times over. I need to experience the same heartache many times over. From different vantage points. On different levels. To different degrees. And each time I do, my heart heals a little faster.
Each time I do, my humanity feels lighter.
When I was a kid, my dad used to call me a free spirit. He used to call me a rebel. I used to hate it because it served as a reminder that I was different when I didn’t want to be. Except now, when he calls me a free spirit, it serves as my North Star (just don’t tell him he was right otherwise he won’t let me live it down!).
