The Resilience I Never Asked For

But that was born out of survival, self-preservation, and spite.

It wasn’t until October 2024 that I officially, on paper, moved.

And if I’m being honest, this new chapter was more devastating, isolating, and heartbreaking than I could’ve ever anticipated. Because this new chapter was on pause until October 2024. And while I was on pause, the rest of the world kept moving on.

Moving to a whole new country, one I’d never been to prior, uprooting my entire life and starting over from scratch away from my family — away from my comfort zones. While everyone I knew was moving ahead in life, I felt like I was moving backwards. Or rather, like I was perpetually frozen in time while the world left me behind.

I don’t know how I made it out. I genuinely don’t. I just know I had no other choice but to survive.

Dark night of the soul, time and time again.

The entirety of my being ripped apart and haphazardly stitched back together, time and time again.

My beliefs, convictions, and values that I’d held.

My confidence and faith in myself, in the world, in life.

All challenged. All shattered into a million unrecognizable pieces — impossible to ever rebuild.

As devastating as that imagery may sound, no words can ever come close to describing the absolute state of despair I found myself in, time and time again.

As much as I’d like to ignore that time because the heartache continues to reverberate, it’s that same heartache that kept my head afloat long enough for me to make it through to the other side.

The only way out is through.

Surrender, trust, faith — all the buzzwords we like to use in the realm of spirituality and wellness, but fucking hell, it’s a whole new ballgame to put that shit into practice when the alternative seems all too tempting. All too enticing to numb yourself.

Except I wanted to feel it all. That raw pain. I needed to feel it because it’s the only indicator I had reminding me that I was alive when I’d dissociated. When I was existing my way through my life.

We all carry many burdens in our lifetimes. And we do it in isolation because we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that no one can understand us. That no one knows what it’s like, not really. It seems easier that way, ironically. To carry our burdens all by our lonesome.

But we need connection. We need our support systems. We need people.

We need our people.

To talk us through. To distract us through. To laugh us through. To sit with us in silence as we cry ourselves through.

If I didn’t have mine, if I didn’t have Merlin to take care of everyday, I can honestly say I don’t know what I would’ve done.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” “A journey of hardship is a journey of growth.”

In hindsight, yes. In the moment, no thank you.

In the moment, I don’t want to think about how strong this is making me.

I don’t want to be reminded that I’m resilient.

Resilient. I hate that word. With a fiery passion.

I used to hate being called resilient.

I used to hate being reminded of how much I’ve endured and survived.

I used to hate carrying resilient around like it was a badge of honor when I only ever saw it as a badge of indignation.

Because resilience was forced upon me. I didn’t choose these challenges that made me resilient; they were imposed upon me and that resilience was born out of self-preservation. Out of survival. Out of spite.

But now, in hindsight, I see it differently.

Not as a badge of honor — never as a badge of honor.

But as an act of rebellion.

Against anything and everything that should’ve broken my resolve.

Against anything and everything that should’ve beaten me down.

That should’ve made me a victim of life and of circumstance.

Because instead, it made me a formidable force.

*

This world is beautiful and magical and can also feel tough and terrifying. We’re not wired to do any of it alone.

It’s okay to be vulnerable.

In fact, it’s quite necessary.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Because everything is survivable — even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Because then and only then, will you truly be unstoppable.